My Eighth Grade Journal:

The Spring Musical

Wednesday, March 23 1988

Today, they posted signin sheets for the spring musical, Up Your Wall. Turns out I'm doing it this year, but only because Matt switched the signup titles and I thought I was entering the Dungeons and Dragons Gamers Club. When I went to the first meeting, I said I wanted to be a wizard, and Mrs. Royce said, Well, that's nice, but you're going to be playing the part of Randall, the Concerned Citizen. She gave me the script and I saw I was in a musical and I said this was bullshit. Royce got mad and told me if I didn't show some appreciation for culture and the arts, she'd make me the Flatulent Male Cheerleader instead. When I got home I told my mom what happened, and she said Listen, buster, if your grades are as bad as they were last semester, you won't be doing any musical at all. Then she saw my face, and said, No, I mean if your grades don't pick up, you will be doing that musical! Then I got all confused and she told me to go away. My brother laughed at me when I told him and said I couldn't sing for shit. Then I called Matt and yelled at him, and he laughed at me and said he wanted my autograph. I'm going to get revenge on them all.

Tuesday, March 29 1988

We had our first practice today. Royce asked if I could make a falsetto note, and I said no, but my grandfather has a falsetto teeth. Then she sent me out of the room for a minute. When I came back in, we were learning steps to a number called "Video Game Fever." Andy Richter got to dance with Lori Bundt, who's totally hot, and the whole time he was doing it, he was smirking at me and twirling her around so I could see up her dress. That part I didn't mind so much. But then Royce gave me my first line for the number, and told me I was supposed to say it strong and loud. So I went, "What's wrong with kids today?" Then she told me to do it with more feeling. So I tried, "So what's wrong with kids today?" and she said no, my rhythm is all off. So I went "So what's wrong with kids today?" and she said no, you're not passionate enough. I said that was because I wasn't dancing with Lori, but then Lori heard me and blushed, and everyone else started laughing at me. Royce had to send me home so she could get everyone calmed down again. I swear I'm going to get revenge on them all.

Monday, April 3 1988

Oh God. Got demoted to background chatter today. How humiliating. Instead of taking front stage and projecting something about something being wrong with whoever these days, now I have to stand in the background with that loser Jacob, shake his hand during the big number and watch Andy dance with Lori. Royce said, don't worry about it, this is much less pressure for you. I said I can take pressure. She said Really? and made a sudden motion towards me, and I squealed and hid behind Jacob. She said, Okay, calm down, and then she sent me to go try on my costume. My costume is stupid. It's a Hawaiian shirt with a tan jacket. Who wears those shirts? I look like a geek. One of Lori's friends, Katrina, came up to me and told me Lori liked me. I said Really? and the girl squealed and ran back to her friends and said Oh my God, he believed it! Tomorrow I'll find Katrina's lunch and spike her sandwich with sugar from the cafeteria floor.

Tuesday, April 4 1988

Had to serve a detention today. Principal Johnston caught me in Katrina's lunch. Apparently she's diabetic. I tried to tell him what happened, but I don't think he was listening. When I finished the story he said, Well that's nice, and Who are you again? and Mmmm. Sandwiches. His eyes looked glazed. When I got home, before I could open my mouth, Mom told me she didn't even want to hear about it.

Thursday, April 6 1988

Two days until opening night. I now have a total of three lines: "Kids today"; "That sounds like a plan!" ; and "I've got homework to do." I told Mom and Dad about the show and Mom said, We'll be there. Dad said, How long will it last? and Mom said for him to encourage me. Dad ruffled my hair and said, Good job, kid, I'm proud of you. Mom said, He hasn't done the show yet! and Dad said, Well now's my only chance to feel proud before it actually happens. Mom said, Have a little more faith in him, but I think Dad is onto something. I still can't remember all my lines.

Friday, April 7 1988

At lunch today, Royce asked me if I could say any of my lines. I made it as far as "That sounds like kids today!" and she rolled her eyes and told me to report to the choir room for practice. We drilled the lines for half an hour, but all I could come up with was "I've got a plan for kids" and "Homework today!" Royce said, If you flub this performance, I'll slap you silly. I said What's the big deal? and she said This musical is my ticket out of this dump. George Abbot will be in the crowd tonight and once he sees my talent, good-bye junior high nincompoops. I said, Like me? She said, No. Other nincompoops. I would get revenge on her, but I think the musical will take care of that by itself.

Saturday, April 8 1988

The show started at 7, but we finished early. At 7:35. Royce watched me mouth "Kids...today?" before she yanked me off stage and gave my lines to Russell, the Drama Queen. Andy got caught making out with Jacob backstage, and the two of them got sent home, so I had to take Jacob's part. Which meant I had to shake hands with myself. I thought I'd get to dance with Lori, but she was all like, Eeew, and I told her to stick a cork in it, so I got in trouble again. Every time I was on stage, Matt kept holding up signs from the middle row saying "DOUCHEBAG," and I kept losing my place after I saw it. Mom caught him doing it once and smacked him on the head. Dad kept looking at his watch. After the second act, I went backstage to do my homework so I could get better grades and not have to go through all this again in the fall play. I later found out that George Abbot thought our production of "Up Your Wall" was "somewhat more tolerable than a vasectomy with no anesthesia" so I guess Royce will be at school on Monday. I have to go finish my math now. My test is Monday and Mom is still whaling on Matt downstairs.