My Web-based Sexual Harassment Tutorial Crib Notes

Fig 1. Potential lawsuit.

Look at Fig. 1 closely. Can you spot the potential lawsuit?

If you can't, then you're clearly in need of sexual harassment training. If you can, well, guess what? You're getting training anyway.

Clearly, sexually inappropriate behavior in the workplace is a serious offense. That's why my employer gives us this halfassed webinar every year, with the exact same brick-stupid questions and scenarios outlining the facets of sexual harassment, the vagaries, the mise en scène, and all the other crap we have to deal with now that we live in a world where a man can't spank his secretary's ass without her yelling about respect as a woman, blah blah blah, go bake me a pie, will you?

So I'm glad I kept my notes and screenshots this time around. That way, I can halve the time I normally spend on this drivel, just clicking the appropriate answers to the quiz questions they give while reading Big'Uns instead of actually reading them. That makes it much easier.

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Introductory Lesson: Sexual harassment is when one person makes a move upon another person in the workplace. This move is unwelcome if unwarranted, or unsolicited, or made by someone not good-looking enough. Hence this will never be an issue for me.

Fig 2: When to complain...

Fig 3: When to not complain...

Okay, training is over. Time for the exam.

Quiz Question #1: Which of the following constitutes sexual harassment?

Answer: Scenario A. Here, the employer is being insensitive and chauvinistic. In Scenario B, he has a sailboat, so that's totally different.

Quiz Question #2: Which of the following constitutes sexual harassment?

Answer: Scenario C. In Scenario D, the man is showing the woman the Swingers Classified section of the daily paper, completely innocently. In Scenario C, it's Mr. Sandberg, so what else could it be but an invitation to something filthy and depraved? Friggin' pervert.

Quiz Question #3: The man has just propositioned the woman. What is the proper response if she wishes to refuse his advances and let him know they are no longer welcome?

a) "No thank you, I'm busy tonight. Perhaps another time?"
b) "I don't know. Maybe you could show it to me first?"
c) "It's nothing personal. I just don't date people of my own ethnicity."
d) "Up it another five dollars and we have a deal."

Answer: None of the above. Because, seriously, most people think the man was the one on the right. And it's not. She's actually the one on the right, and she's trying to accept the offer. Did I just totally rock your world or what? It just goes to show you: trying to train us about suppressing our primal urges is completely, utterly futile. Let's go hit the Admiral. I'm buying first round.

Suggested Curriculum Revisions for the State of Texas

Recently, the state of Texas voted to rewrite their secondary education curriculum to make sure it reflected conservative, Christian values. Without question, the following passages need to be chopped, in order to ensure the continued moral development of our children. These passages are filthy and perverted. Strike them from the record. Now.

"Close to our bows, strange forms in the water darted hither and thither before us; while thick in our rear flew the inscrutable sea ravens."
--Moby Dick, Chapter 50

"It has ever since [I came to Boston] been a Pleasure to me to see good Workmen handle their Tools."
--The Autobiography of Ben Franklin, p 57

Quince: If that may be, then all is well. Pyramus, you begin.
Enter Puck, from Behind
--A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act II, Scene 1