Making Amends File #323

To: Gabrielle Uniger
Re: Our would-be high school romance

Gabrielle, you might remember back in high school that annoying kid who sat behind you in study hall and stared down the front of your shirt all the time. The kid who made hooting and kissing noises whenever you walked by him in the hall. The kid who was caught with a photo of a Playboy model with your yearbook photo glued over the head.

Well, I was friends with that kid. And I stared down the front of your shirt too, only I was much more subtle about it.

Anyway, I am here to make amends for our disgraceful and disgusting behavior. You deserved much better than the lascivious and perverted leers of a couple of prepubescents like us. Your low-cut shirts, slit skirts and bared midriff clearly demands more respect than we were apparently willing to give. I'd also like to express my sorrow over your tragic prom night and your leaving high school early--I'm sure you wound up being a terrific mother and that Jimmy Spazoli wound up being a terrific father.

All the best, etc.

P.S. You are a filthy whore.