The Happening (Happens): An M. Night Shyamalan Film

Starring Alma, Jess, Julian, Eliot...and me

Scene 1

ELIOT: Something's happening!
ALMA: What is it?
ELIOT: The trees! The grass! I think...I think nature is communicating with itself!
ALMA: Oh my God!
ELIOT: In order to protect themselves against humanity's damage, they're releasing a toxin that causes self-destructive--
ME: This is stupid. (Goes outside to mow the lawn in cleats)

Scene 2

ELIOT: We can't be too close to each other! Nature is starting to fight back!
ALMA: Oh my God!
ELIOT: We'll be okay as long as we don't band too many people together--
ME: This is stupid. (Goes outside to bulldoze landscape and install landmines)
ELIOT: No! (dramatically)Don't go outside!
ME: Why? The guys are coming over. We're going to carve our initials into all the trees. (pause) And set fire to them.
ALMA: Oh my God!
ME: What? What?

Scene 6

ME: Wait...what? You mean all that green stuff out there--
ELIOT: Nature.
ME: Yeah, that. You mean it's making us kill ourselves?
ELIOT: Well, I explained all that twenty minutes ago while you were beating the lawn with your rake--
ME: Ah! Ah! Fuck! Let's get the fuck out of here! (breaks down crying)
JESS: Calm down, guy.
ME: (sobs) I hate trees! I hate grass! I hate you, kid!
JESS: God. What a pussy.

Scene 7

JULIAN: We've got to be calm.
ME: Calm. Right. Because there are a bunch of pissed-off Ents outside trying to make us all put bleach on our breakfast cereal.
JULIAN: Calm down, man. Here, want to hear a math problem? If you get paid one cent your first day--
ME: Stop telling me to calm down or I'll stick this log up your ass.
JULIAN: Look, no reason to get testy. I'm a secondary character. I'll be dead in about twenty minutes anyway.
ME: Good point. You want to smoke some of those leaves over there?
JULIAN: Only if we play a few hands of Texas Hold'em while we do.

Scene 8

ELIOT: (into phone) Julian! Julian! I think Julian just killed himself! He's not answering his cell. He must have caught the toxin!
ME: Yes...the toxin...(throws bloody log away, pockets Julian's wallet)

Scene 17

CRAZY OLD LADY MRS. JONES: I guess I should let you all into my house. But don't touch any of my--
ME: This is stupid. (sucker-punches her, throws her outside, goes in house)
ELIOT: Okay, I'm with you on this one.

Scene 20

ELIOT: The wind! It's coming our way!
ALMA: Oh my God!
JESS: I'm scared!
ELIOT: Don't worry. We just have to approach this scientifically. First thing is to get Jess to safety.
ALMA: Right. Because she's young and vulnerable.
ME: Hey Jess! Let's go outside and play hide and seek!
JESS: Um, is this really the right--
ME: Tag! (Pushes her out the door of the house, locks it behind her) You're it!
ALMA: Oh my God!
ELIOT: But what good does that do? The wind will still--
ME: No time to explain! Eliot, I need you to go outside and douse those crops with kerosene. Alma, spray all the bushes with Axe Body Spray!
ALMA: Oh my God! Oh my God!

Scene 26

ELIOT: Okay. I just ran outside to be with my wife and newly-orphaned best friend's daughter, and the toxin that's making people kill each other has mysteriously dissipated.
ALMA: Wow, that's...unrealistically lucky.
ELIOT: We must make sure we respect nature from now on. We must learn from this lesson.
ME: We must light a bonfire out of hay and chrysanthemums in memory of all the poor dead bastards. (starts spraying gasoline)
ELIOT: Oh crap...!
ME: (hacking at foliage and laughing maniacally) Who's your daddy? Yeah! That's right, bitches! Kiss my carbon-emitting, oxygen-gobbling ass!
ELIOT: Hey, Alma, let's have kids.
ALMA: Okay.

The End