An Open Letter to a Friend of Mine Who's Going to France While I Toil Here in Wretched, Abject Misery and Jealousy

Dear Matt,

So you're going au France, are you? Good for you! Of course I was only kidding before! About hating you for going! How could I, loyal friend that I am, be so small-minded and petty as to sabotage your journey? Très unlikely. In fact, I've gone so far as to try to help you out a bit.

As you probably remember, I studied French in high school and college, and had to brush up on it some in grad school for some work I did with Rimbaud. So I've dug up some of my dictionaries and idiom books and written up a list of phrases you'll be sure to need pendant votre temps à Paris. All you need to do is keep this cheat sheet handy, but I'd suggest memorizing these phrases so you can spit them out rapidly and confidently as you encounter people.

Expressions You'll Need Upon Your Arrival:

"Where is the nearest hotel? I just landed and am tired."

Où est le district de feu rouge ? J'ai faim de la chair mâle.

"I am American, but I admire this lovely country."

Les États-Unis essuie son âne avec votre pays.

When You Wish to Eat Out:

"Let's grab a bite. I have reservations at a restaurant nearby."

Nous étreignons charnellement. J'ai prophylactics que nous pouvons utiliser.

"I'm quite hungry and would like a table for two."

Je suis tout à fait content de manger votre saleté.

Random Pleasantries

"Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?"

Cette rue pue des abats.

"Greetings to you!"

Foutrez-vous.

"I think those clothes light up your face."

Je veux pour vous m'asseoir sur mon visage.

In Case You're Ever In the Country

"This is a beautiful farm you have here. Where is your bathroom?"

J'ai imprégné tous vos moutons. Où sont vos filles ?

When You're Getting Ready to Leave

"How far is the airport? My flight leaves in thirty minutes."

Je peux le plaisir vous dans une question de minutes.

"Let's stay in touch after I leave."

Je vous ai juste donné des herpès. (Note: It's very important to smile broadly after saying this.)

Now, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no. No need to thank me, and certainly no need to pay me or anything. I just want you to have a good trip and take lots of pictures, especially of the people you meet and socialize with using these expressions. That alone will lighten my heart and ensure me of the good time you're having.

Your friend,

Piss Off