My Introductory Lecture and Reading List for Fall, 2010

Hi kids! Welcome back!

I'm your teacher. Hold the applause.

Yes, it's been two months and change since we've all seen each other. Joey, I see you've been working out. Mustache is coming in well, isn't it? Whoah, that's a killer grip you've got there. Good. You're growing into a fine young woman.

Sarah, not so plain and tall any more, are you? Ha. Now you're just plain.

Okay, enough of this charade of good intentions and civility. You don't want to be here. Fine. I get it. Hey, you think this is my whole life? I've got a family! Okay, I've got two dogs to train. Okay, I don't actually train them so much as I just let them lie on top of me and sleep, but they do their homework, dammit.

No, I'm not interested in how you spent your summer. Now, I spent a lot of time this summer touring Europe and wining and dining several high-rent models and call girls. I also climbed Mount Kilimanjaro (for like a few feet--that damn thing is steep!). Also, I did a lot of reading, and I've managed to construct the class syllabus around these selections. This exposes you guys to what I call high-quality literature, but more importantly, it cuts down on my workload. So here's our syllabus for the fall. Read it, get the books, and read those. We'll meet back here in a month. If anyone asks, I'm in the can.

• The Kama Sutra: This text has been showing up on the AP Reading List for a few years now. It's technical, and skills-based, which means it aligns perfectly with the Core Standards coming out of the White House. No, I haven't seen any of the pictures, why?

• The Anarchist's Cook Book: Enough with the whole, "I don't know what this word means" crap. Look it up! Enough with the whole "But I don't know who to vote for." Look it up! And enough with the whole, "I can't make gunpowder! I don't know how." Not my kids. Not any more.

• Das Kapital: "Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people." Stop and think about that for a minute. Realize how bleak and meaningless your existence actually is. Okay. Now you're ready to join The Party and follow your One True Leader. Your blue overalls are in the far left cabinet.

• Listen Whitey! by Huey Newton. Well, actually I don't know what this is about. But it says to listen, so...