LAYOUT--Co-workers wanted To Kill a Mockingbird lesson plans. So I'm submitting these. That'll show them--don't ask me for nothing.

Still waiting to get out of here and go drink green beer.

From The Tragedy of a High School Newspaper, Part II

By William Shakespeare

ACT III Scene ii

Enter hautboys, pages, servants, who survey the empty computer lab, shrug their shoulders and leave. Then, enter Mr. L., Adviser, pale and stoop-shouldered, with trouble concealing his displeasure at the empty lab. Also, he has a bad back.

L.
That which hath given them software
For layout, hath been given to a sponge. E’en though
The hour grows late, and the deadline approacheth,
I fear next week not. Since the path to publication
Is traditionally thorny and steep, every ounce
Of patience I possess shall empower me to not
Yell and scream at anyone upon late night,
When, like the cat I’ the adage, they whine
About their homework, social obligations and
Empty pages. None shall give me pause,
And I shall champion myself to the utterance.

Enter Editor

L
What would thou have, thou saucy boy?

Editor
My lord, as I did survey the parking lot,
I did observe several cars taking flight,
The with to begin the weekend; the without
To neglect all newspaper duties.

L
Go throw dust into the wind and let it
Blow back in thine face, thou lily-livered coward.
I am but one who, buffeted by the winds of fate,
Can do no more than curse, and hear my own voice
Thrown back at me. Begone, vile cretin!

Editor
Okay, whatever.

Exuent

And now, a memo from Channel 9

Things the WGN anchors aren’t allowed to say any more.
 
Apparently, Tribune Co. CEO Randy Michaels sent a memo with over 100 phrases, words and the like that must not be uttered on the airwaves under any circumstance.
 
 At first, I thought this was stupid, if not alarming: are we dumbing down news language yet again? Oh dear God. Is “torpor” shooting too high for our Chicago audience?
 
Turns out I was mistaken. While some of the items on the list have a dubious quality (“laud” and “icon” are now forbidden? was there some cock-up of which I’m unaware?), others are more than fine with me. Such as “Giving 110%”;  “Completely destroyed, completely abolished, completely finished or any other completely redundant use”; “fatal death”; “the fact of the matter.” I make fun of these nuggets in class often enough. Feels good to see the pros axing them as well.

Kids are getting an earful from counseling about college entrance. So I'm hiding in the back, grading papers and reading Salon.com:

Glenn Beck and Eric Massa waste America's time.

Sarah Palin is of no importance.

Does Limbaugh remember 1994? Probably not.

Good stuff.

My First Sonnet

or

Water in the desert

The empty vessel, overflowing though
Its brim be wide, remains, I do so hold,
A porous liability, since so
Inadequate its sides when filled with holes.

A leaky bucket’s no alternative
When water in the desert’s found no more;
Dehydrated, no comfort do we feel
In noting water drops outside our doors.

Encircle your hands about, and bring them down;
No time is there for transport, vain or no;
You cannot say you drink enough, e’en now
When nourishment’s a dream, or just for show.

Too far to walk, too high the price to pay;
That water serves if thou, to drink, would stay.

NCTE's Definition of 21st Century Literacy, from about two years ago. What struck me as interesting: One bullet point says that today's writers "Manage, analyze and synthesize multiple streams of simultaneous information." This, after multiple studies have documented just how bad multitaskers are at multitasking, that when you multitask, you do multiple chores badly, whereas focusing on one task at a time results in greater productivity. This, when we see what happens when today's news and print consumers are barraged with voices and stories fighting for their attention, so that even less sinks in than previously.

Multitasking is killing literacy. The secret is out. Shame on you, NCTE.

Your position should be, "21st century writers need to be able to select and filter multiple streams of communication, so as to absorb more and worthwhile information." But then, you didn't put me on this committee.

Slightly altered copy ghost written for a client today:

Real Men Moisturize

by Kara Sellalot, Retail Representative

My friend Mark laughed out loud when he saw me putting together a list of beauty tips for men. At the top: “Guys, make sure you keep your hands and nails presentable by applying hand cream several times a day.”

“Yeah, right,” he scoffed. “Guys don’t do that kind of thing.”

I just smiled and waited. Sure enough, his girlfriend, who’d overheard him, walked in the door.

“You do need hand cream, Mark,” she said, grabbing one of his hands and pointing at it accusingly. “Do you have any idea how rough your hands are? I feel like you’re wearing garden gloves when we get all mushy.”

“Hey, I’m a man,” he asserted. “I don’t use hand cream. It’s not my thing.”

Mark may be a man. But he also likes handjobs. Ten minutes later, Mark was using Biotone hand cream. It keeps hangnails at bay, making him more professional-looking. It softened his cuticles, making his hands much more appealing at first glance. And it helps him avoid infections, which his hands were prone to because of the skin’s weakness due to dryness and cracks.

I left Mark, Mr. I’m-not-a-hand-cream-guy, with two bottles of moisturizer and a beaming, happy girlfriend.

"But why do his hands matter if you're the one doing the servicing?" I asked innocently.

"Shut up," she hissed. "You got your commission, didn't you?"

Going back to school for a doctorate is my favorite wet dream. And then I read this: The Big Lie About the Life of the Mind. It's like a bucket of cold water dumped in my lap.

Finally, Fox gives me something that makes me feel good

"I'm Not Saying Your Mother's a Whore: Jon Stewart on the O'Reilly Factor. I don't know, seems to me the points Mr. Stewart makes are irrefutable, especially when you Youtube some of Fox and Friends' more telling moments. I'm going to use some of this banter as examples of various rhetorical tropes. There's analogy, erotesis, synechdoche, and so many others that I have to change my pants after listing them. Enjoy.

My Interview with Sarah Palin Part III

Click here for the first dumb part | Click here for the second even dumber part

Again, all quotes taken from Palin's "book." Dramamine, necessary for a first reading, can be purchased at most drug stores.

ME: Ms. Palin, since we spoke last, you've given a rousing speech at the first National Tea Party Convention, where you made fun of our president for being a law professor at the lectern, and your foreign policy suggestion boils down to basically: "Reagan rocked. I say we win like he did." This is a pretty good sedgway to your own mind and how it works. You took some heat for not having enough of an intellect to tackle the job. You want to clear that up now?

SP: “[My qualifications go] beyond common sense conservatism and traditional values to the fact that [Todd and I] are everyday Americans. We know what it’s like to have to make payroll and take care of employees. We know what it’s like to be on a tight budget and wonder how we’re going to pay for our own health care, let alone college tuition. We know what it’s like to work union jobs, to be blue-collar, white-collar, to have our kids in public schools.” (221)

ME: That makes about 300 million Americans qualified for the job. Isn’t this democracy thing great? Still, I understand Katie Couric was a little dubious about your grasp of current events?

SP: “Over the past several months… I had been interviewed on energy and security issues by numerous national media outlets, including her hometown newspaper, the New York Times, for whom I had also penned an op-ed earlier in the year on another issue. Had she read those, I wondered?” (277)

ME: Probably not. But then, she was asking what you read, not what you wrote. Right?

SP: Yes. (44)

ME: Speaking of writing, there are some real gems of composition in your book. What was it you said about running that one time?

SP: “As the soles of my shoes hit the soft ground, I pushed past the tall cottonwood trees in a euphoric cadence, and meandered through willow branches that the moose munched on.” (102)

ME: [Pause] Ms. Palin, that is beautiful. I wish my kids could write shit like that. What else you got?

SP: “If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?” (133)

ME: And if God had not intended for men to marry other men, why did He give them penises!

SP: …

ME: You want to see my penis?

SP: …no… (16)

ME: Okay. Too soon. Sorry. Let’s talk about your family.

SP: “Let’s debate ideas. Let’s argue about legislation and policy. Let’s talk about political philosophy. But leave my children alone.” (372)

ME: Right. Apologies.

SP: “It was reported nationally that a New York judge . . . blasted me for bringing Trig onstage during the campaign. . . No one told me that running for office means a woman candidate has to switch off her maternal instincts and hide her children from view. If that’s required, then count me out.”(372)

ME: But I thought you wanted to leave them out. Then why did you bring him…

SP: “Gossipmongers had been] spreading lies that Todd and I were divorcing…Dang, I thought. Divorce Todd? Have you seen Todd?” (352)

ME: I have, actually. Does he swing?

SP: Yes. (44)

ME: Excellent. [Makes note] But when did all this gossip happen happen?

SP: “A group of left-wing bloggers had been yakking about porn pictures and videos of me that they threatened would soon be released to the public.” (348)

ME: Okay, Ms. Palin. This is getting seriously hot. But if you don’t want to bring up your family, why do you keep bringing up your family?

SP: “[Being] married to Todd, I was also accused of literally being ‘in bed’ with the oil industry.

ME: Ah. Like with TransCanada Alaska.

SP: I had to explain that as a blue-collar union hand, a production operator wearing a hard hat and steel-toed boots, Todd wasn’t calling the shots for the corporate bosses in London. In fact, I told Alaskans, ‘Todd’s not in management. He actually works.’” (95)

ME: If he’s swinging with you, I guess he does. Any other family members you don’t want to talk about?

SP: “Lena [Palin, Ms. Palin’s grandmother-in-law] is a tough frontier woman. How many American women do you know who can weave a grass basket; sew squirrel skins into a garment and adorn it with intricate beadwork; haul a thousand salmon out of the ocean, get them to market in a sailboat, then take some home, fillet them, and serve them for dinner?” (119)

ME: [Pause] What the fuck are you talking about?

SP: “We felt our very normalcy, our status as ordinary Americans, could be a much-needed fresh breeze blowing into Washington D.C.” (221)

ME: Ah. I see. [awkward pause] You’re yanking my chain, right?

SP: “I hope you get a good laugh as well!” (405)

ME: I totally did! I actually took you seriously for a minute there! Ms. Palin, you realize you’re contradictory, shallow, full of party rhetoric that you barely understand the basics of and not even competent enough to helm a rowboat across the river. But you know what? I think this book, your grandstanding with the Tea Partiers and your Fox News schtick will actually do your political career some good. And that scares hell out of me.

SP: “[I am] so Alaska. I had to share. (405)

ME: And I’m forever glad you did. You sure you don’t want to see my penis?

SP: “God didn’t give me natural athleticism.” (30)

ME: That’s a very considerate turndown. By the way, your pipeline you’re always crowing about? The one you say is helping the economy already? It hasn’t been built yet. You knew that?

SP: “Oh. My. Gosh.” (51)

ME: Well, these mistakes will happen.

SP: “Dang, I must be getting old.” (401)

ME: Not old enough, unfortunately. Good night, Ms. Palin. And good night, America.

Fin

from politicalhumor.about.com. Sorry. Too lazy to do one myself.

My Interview with Sarah Palin Part II

Quotes taken from Going Rogue, just like always. Hey, I read the damned thing. Might as well make some use of it.

Click here for Part I.

ME: All right, Ms. Palin, I’ve had a chance to calm down and you’ve had a chance to Google economics, so we should be ready to start again, right? I’d like to get more into your tenure as governor. Now, what about this China bid thing? I understand you had an offer from them on the pipeline?

SP: “The bid, by Sinopec, bothered me. There was little doubt that the company could muster the manpower, technology, and funding necessary to do the job, but this proposal skated on the razor’s edge between the free-market and national sovereignty. An energy-thirsty Communist nation controlling Alaska’s natural gas reserves was not in the best interests of the state or our country.” (205)

ME: Unlike, say, oil deals with Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. So why didn’t you give them the deal? I guess you would have had to have an ostensible reason.
SP: “It turned out Sinopec’s application was incomplete anyway. (205)

ME: Yeah, the Chinese are notorious for being lazy s.o.b.’s when it comes to paperwork. So who got the deal after all?

SP: “[The] Calgary-based TransCanada-Alaska, a firm that had not only met every single enforceable requirement of AGIA but exceeded them.” (205)

ME: Wow, that company with all those ties to your administration? The one you all but solicited, according to the AP? That’s a pretty sweet deal.

SP: “[National media is] too lazy to sift fact from fiction.” (203)

ME: Bastards.

SP: “It was one lie after another—from rape kits to Bridges to Nowhere. All easy enough to disprove if the press had done its job.” (237)

ME: Hey, what about that bridge? I understand there was some confusion as to whether or not you took federal money for it? And that the record states that you did?

SP: …

ME: Hmm. Well, we’ll chalk that issue up for a possible sequel. Let’s change gears a bit here: Matt Damon lambasted you for believing that dinosaurs were around two thousand years ago and that science is bogus. So to get the record straight: What’s your stance on evolution?

SP: “’[Science] proves parts of evolution…But I believe that God created us and also that He can create an evolutionary process that allows species to change and adapt.’”(217)

ME: [Lighting a cigarette] Makes sense.

SP: “And, by the way, I saw nothing wrong with students debating the merits of evolution in the classroom. If William F. Buckley—a devout Catholic and a world-class intellectual—could believe in the divine origins of man, why couldn’t I?” (219)

ME: Off the top of my head, because he wasn’t teaching a high school science course, and you’re not a world-class intellectual.

SP: “God says in Scripture, ‘Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this, says the LORD Almighty, ‘and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of Heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.’” (22-23)

ME: That socialist prick! Sounds a lot like our current president, taking what we all have and distributing it to the poor.

SP: “I considered the Obama administration’s panicky effort to stimulate the economy by spending enormous amounts of borrowed money shortsighted and ill conceived.

ME: But doesn’t Jesus say, through Scripture, “If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me”?

SP: [The bailout] defied the lessons of history and common sense.

ME: So much for theologic/political consistency, folks.

SP: [Obama’s] nearly $1 trillion stimulus package was patently unfair both to future generations who will inherit our wasteful debt and to the everyday Americans who work very hard to pay the taxes that the administration seeks to spend at breakneck speed.” (357)

ME: Well, to be fair, President Bush did the exact same thing. He cut taxes and raised spending. And Senator McCain supported this, and so did you, if I’m not mistaken. That’s one reason the Democrats took the House and Senate in 2006, and another reason you guys lost.

SP: [Rahm Emanuel], now President Obama’ chief of staff, … crafted and executed the ruthless 2006 campaign strategy that won back Congress for the Democrats…” (370)

ME: Oh. I see. It had nothing to do with two wars, Hurricane Katrina, failure to find WMDs…cutting taxes on the wealthy and increasing deficit spending to fight overseas for dubious causes?

SP: “Servicing the $1.5 trillion debt is a huge annual expenditure in the federal budget. . . Our overspending today could destroy our children’s future.” (389)

ME: That must be why Senator McCain voted with the Republicans seven times to raise the debt ceiling. Gotcha. By the way, according to the Chicago Tribune, the bailout is a fraction of a fraction of the deficit. Just so you know.

SP: “That’s not entirely true.” (87)

ME: No, it is true. You can look it up on the Treasury page itself. Look at the figures on the wars, if you want to talk high spending.

SP: “Today our sons and daughters are fighting in distant countries to protect our freedoms and to nurture freedom for others. I understand that many Americans are war-weary…

ME: Nah. We love wars.

SP: “… but we do have a responsibility to complete our missions in these countries so that we can keep our homeland safe. America must remain the strongest nation in the world in order to remain free. And our goal in the War on Terror must be the same as Reagan’s: ‘We won. They lost.’” (393)

ME: Boy, if Reagan were around today, this whole mess would be gone. All he’d have to do would be to tell Karzai, “Mister President, get rid of those terrorists.”

SP: “I was in high school the day Reagan took the oath of office. On the same day, minutes after he was sworn in, a band of Iranian militants released fifty-two Americans, after having held them—and our national pride—hostage for 444 days. I had followed the Iran hostage crisis and remember wondering why President Jimmy Carter didn’t act more decisively.

ME: I think his retrieval operation was pretty decisive. Even if it sucked.

SP: From my high schooler’s perspective, I thought the question was, Why did he allow America to be humiliated and pushed around?

ME: And your adult perspective has led you to think…?

SP: “The new president being sworn in radiated confidence and optimism. The enemies of freedom took notice. In years to come, people would ask, what did he have that Carter didn’t? To me, the answer was obvious. He had a steel spine.” (46)

ME: I think that, if you’re going to exchange arms for hostages and fund contras, not to mention orchestrate campaigns that result in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Latin Americans, you have to have a steel spine. That pansy Carter would have been running off to weep at Stockholm at word of the first dead nine-year-old El Salvadoran refugee. Right?

SP: “…no…” (16)

ME: Well, maybe not. Let’s take a short break while readers look up our contradictory assertions and come to the inevitable conclusion that I’m right. Sound good?

SP: “I [don’t] put much stock in fickle polls.” (6)

ME: And I don’t put much stock in fickle minds. So let’s give each other one more shot.

Interruption in interview here. Palin heads to library, and the interviewer heads to a neighborhood Wasilla bar and gets the snot beat out of him for playing The Dixie Chicks on the jukebox.

Next week: The exciting conclusion!

My Interview with Sarah Palin

All Palin dialogue taken from her book Going Rogue: An American Life, available anywhere fine hardcover memoirs are sold.

Handsome, young, budding and incredibly talented reporter walks up to a rustic cabin surrounded by rustic folks field-dressing moose and saluting the flag as only rustic people can do. He knocks on the door and Sarah Palin answers.

ME: Ms. Palin, I want to thank you for your time. I know that, being an ex-governor, you probably have tons of it, but still, holla. [Fist bumps galore here.]

SARAH PALIN: “That’s not entirely true.” (87)

ME: And you’re not entirely Ms. Frontier Woman of the New Millenium either, so let’s call it even.

They enter Palin’s living room.

ME: Okay. Let’s start with the basics. Now, I read Going Rogue, and I checked out your Facebook page…

SP: “Isn’t Facebook a terrific illustration of the power of American ingenuity?” (400)

ME: And by the way, your Mafia Wars score is un-frickin’-believable. But I think we ought to begin at the beginning. Start fresh. So. Tell me how you got to where you are today?

SP: “’Before I became governor…I was mayor of my hometown. I guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a ‘community organizer,’ except that you have actual responsibilities.’” (242)

ME: Ha ha! Take that, Martin Luther King, Jr.!

SP: “[An] individual’s commitment to his or her own business and family—that is significantly more important than any community leadership role.” (243)

ME: And take that, Jesus Christ!

SP: “[Government] experience doesn’t necessarily count for much.” (84)

ME: Well that leaves you in the clear all right. Now, you had a lot of people telling you you couldn’t be a mom and run for office, right?

SP: [Alaska Governor] Mukowski [when interviewing me for a Senate seat] …launched into a soliloquy on how tough it was on a family to serve in the Senate. It seemed to me that though he thought me competent enough to make his short list, the father in him felt compelled to protect me from the storm that is national politics.” (98)

ME: That sucks. Hell, you can prioritize, right? But then why didn’t you go for the Senate later, in 2006?

SP: “[Who would] be [my son’s] hockey manager?”

ME: But I thought you said…

SP: At that point in [my son Track’s] life, having an involved mom was more important to him—and to me—than having a mom with a powerful position in Washington, D.C.” (341)

ME: So a mom can do it, except when a mom can’t. Now, I understand these non-qualification qualifications didn’t really get the attention you felt they deserved? Particularly with the Katie Couric interview?

SP: “There was so much I could and should have said [to Katie Couric regarding foreign policy]…For instance that Alaska’s geographic position makes our relations with Pacific Rom countries of great strategic import, and that we’re the air crossroads of the world…

ME: Well, she was asking about experience, right? Not just situations, but your actual actions and decisions.

SP: That Russian bombers often play cat and mouse with our Air Force near Alaska’s airspace…

ME: Did you deal with that directly? What did you actually do?

SP: That I dealt with Canadian officials on a weekly basis and have signed agreements concerning everything from security to salmon fishing…

ME: Okay, you signed stuff. But what did you do?

SP: …and that NAFTA has significantly affected our economy…

ME: That’s what NAFTA does. Not you.

SP: That melting polar sea ice has created new trade routes but has also created security threats to North America…

ME: Look, I don’t think we’re communicating here…

SP: That Alaska takes on Japanese and Russian fishing trawlers that want to ravage the ocean floor…

ME: Goddamnit…

SP: That Chinese and Russian energy companies had both sought access to (and possible control of) our natural gas resources. That these and other countries were staking their own resource claims in Arctic waters while the U.S. sat on its hands.” (275)

ME: [Whining] Come on! In your years as governor, what did you actually do?

SP: “[The Governor’s mansion] came with a personal chef, but I unbudgeted the position. … The chef seemed so darned bored because the kids didn’t want anything fancy to eat.” (133)

ME: Ms. Palin, give me something specific or I’m hitting your baby.

SP: …

ME: Christ. Fine. Why don’t we take a break so people can check your non-rebuttal rebuttal out? And where are those little darlings of yours, anyway?

Click here for Part II of this completely idiotic thing.

From the entertainment wires: Natalie Portman refuses to bare all. The actress recently said she wouldn't do any more nude scenes after her Full Monty in Hotel Chevalier had Internet pervs doing still frame screensaver shots of it and throwing the images all over the Internet. Shame. Uh...anyone got a copy? My PrintScreen key seems to be working just fine...

Comments I returned to my sophomores today after spending agonizing hours reading their final essay exams.

What I Said on the assignment and in person the day I gave them the prompt…
MLA headings go in the top left-hand corner of the first page.
What They Must Have Heard...
“Left, right, what’s the difference? I won’t stand for petty politics in this classroom.”

What I Said
“Put your citations in proper punctuation” (Smith 4550).
What They Must Have Heard...
“Ah, guys, in this postmodern world, who’s to really say who said what? It’s all relative.”

What I Said...
“Can be,” “has been,” etc. is passive. Don’t have done this.
What They Must Have Heard...
“Passive voice rules. Because we all want to ‘pass’ this class, right? Who is with me?” (high fives for all)

What I Said...
If I see a fragment. I will fail you.
What They Must Have Heard...
“When writing an essay, you want to stay in the zone. Complete sentences be damned.”

What I Said...
Check the names and facts. Antigone was not a character in Whale Rider. Beowulf was not an Indian."
What They Must Have Heard...
“Most of the stuff we read was written so long ago, nobody knows anything about who wrote it. Consequently, we can pretty much make up whatever names we want.”

What I Said...
The title of a long work like Antigone or Beowulf is in italics. Shorter works like “Rama and Ravana” are in quotation marks.
What They Must Have Heard...
"Font styles are stupid."

What I Said...
“When you paste in quotations and the format is different” it’s really annoying. Don’t do this."
What They Must Have Heard...
“Fonts are limiting. You can’t encompass true writing in Times Roman. We cannot be boxed in, people. We are free thinkers.”

What I Said...
"A thesis must be an argument."
What They Must Have Heard...
“As long as there are words filling up the page, I’m satisfied.”

What I Said...
"A main idea must help prove that argument."
What They Must Have Heard...
“As long as there are words on the page, I’m satisfied. Keep going! You’re doing great.”

What I Said...
"Your topic sentences are main ideas. Not plot. Not the obvious. They help you prove the thesis."
What They Must Have Heard...
“As long as you have pages, I’m satisfied. Remember that paper comes from trees, people.”

What I Said...
"Your links argue how your evidence proves your main idea. No links=no argument. Please, people. You need to have links. Please. I beg of you. Please."
What They Must Have Heard...
“Arguments are tearing this country apart. I want you all to write like civilized people of the greatest nation in the world, and only state the obvious.”

What I Said...
"Which is better? “I think Dante’s particular brand of Catholicism is extreme compared to Catholicism today,” or “Dante’s particular brand of Catholicism is extreme compared to Catholicism today”? Nobody cares what you think. We care about what is said."
What They Must Have Heard...
“How does Dante make you feel like a little miracle? Fill up your essay with that. You can do it! And if you can’t, don’t worry! We’ll figure something out.”

What I Said...
What words should we never “throw” in an essay? What kind of “crap” shouldn’t be in a final exam essay? What “garbage”? What wouldn’t be “cool”? What might be “awesome” to leave out? Or “sweet”?
What They Must Have Heard...
“I think teenaged lingo is going to replace Shakespeare before the end of the decade. Who wants to help me burn your thesaurus?”

What I Said...
Edit and proofread. Or I’ll, you know, have an aneurism.
What They Must Have Heard...
“Bill Gates created Microsoft Word so we’d never have to bother learning spelling. I expect you all to respect his work accordingly.

What I Said...
"Turn it in on time."
What They Must Have Heard...
“You are a wonderful person.”

A Moderate "Engagement Status" suggestion for Facebook

To Whom It May Concern (aka that young jerk who built this site and is worth the price of a small country...)

I have been a Facebook user for about a year now, and I wish to register a complaint. Your "relationship" possibilities are severely limited at best. In truth, they stink. You have "single," "married," "in a relationship with," and "bitterly divorced from." In my current situation, this will not do, as I am planning a wedding with a woman who hates the terms "engaged," "fiancee," and "willing to be seen with him in public."

I have compiled a list of possible relationship statuses I might be able to use, as opposed to the ones you already have. Please consider them as friendly suggestions and not irritable rejoinders to an otherwise shoddy social networking site.

"...is chained in impending matrimony to ..."
This would work well, as "chained in" seems to me a more accurate verbal phrase, connoting duty, fidelity and, yes, the mandatory.

"... is successful in boozing up and weakening the marriage-related resistance of ..."
As it happens, I had to pour about two gallons of Thunderbird down her throat before she would even agree to sit quietly while I spelled out a life together. After that, all she required was mimosas.

"... is temporarily insane regarding legal commitment to ...
What was I thinking? Dear God in Heaven, what was I thinking? I already got her to pick up the tab for dinner; I don't need that again!

"... is pushing his luck concerning commitment with ..."
As she never fails to remind me. Which reminds me. I'm pushing my luck.

Bullets in Madison Emotes at the Empty Bottle

Special to the Flannel Diaries

It's about seven-thirty on a Tuesday night and I'm being dropped off at the Empty Bottle on Western Avenue on the beautiful West Side of Chicago. My girlfriend, the Woman who Holds the Bottle Opener to the Beer That Is My Heart, has an annoyed, peeved look on her face. I get that look a lot. It's a masquerade for true love. Especially for when I make her drive me around the city.

"So...have a good time," she intones, checking her watch and thinking about cookies. "Enjoy the show. Don't stay out too late."

"Decidedly."

"Tell the band I'm sorry I couldn't make it, but I had to, you know, whatever."

"Assuredly."

"And be sure to take out the garbage and walk the dogs when you get home."

"Abso....wait. What?"

Before I can protest that I surely will get back late, that I won't enjoy the show, and that I have no plans to be in any condition to do anything productive upon my return, she speeds away, still holding the keys to the car that I realize, belatedly, I'm supposed to drive home that night. Screams after her are unheeded. Frantic calls to her cell phone remain unanswered.

This sort of shit always happens to me when I'm sent to review a Bullets in Madison concert. Of course, none of it is their fault. I mean, it sort of is when you figure that if they didn't play these dives at these ridiculous hours, and if they would only spring for a press limo to take the reporters like me home...actually, it is all their fault. Bastards. I will make them rue the day they even formed a band. I have that power.

I am a music reviewer. I review music.

And occasionally, I listen to it.

**************************************************

I stalked into the Empty Bottle surly and mean. The place looked like the kind of joint BiM loves to headline: walls and a ceiling. I sidled up to the bar and growled at the guy behind the counter, "Gimmee a whiskey. Double. Leave the bottle."

He casts an eye over me, measuring me for manliness and ability to control strong drink. "I think you might want a nice Lemon Wedge," he offered. "They're tasty and nutritious, and there's nothing like--"

"Whiskey," I growled again. John Wayne doesn't have shit on me, I tell you. "The bottle."

"You're going to be on the floor in twenty minutes."

I ignored him, and eventually he went off to fetch it. It's at this point that somebody comes up to me. "Hey, man. Nice to see you again."

I cast a bleary eye in his direction. "Who the hell are you?"

"Brendan. Brendan Losch."

"Oh, great. But I already ordered my drink, so..." I made hand motions indicating that he could leave me alone.

"No, I'm the guitarist. For the band? We've spoken before. You've interviewed me like twenty times."

"Oh, Bren-DAN Losch. I thought you said BREN-dan." I made a face that I hoped looked friendly. "So. Uh, what are you doing here?"

Brendan made an effort to be patient. "We're doing a show tonight. You're reviewing it, right?"

"Right. Right." I made a mental note to do just that. "But you can't get me free drinks, right?"

Brendan stared at me. "No."

"Oh. Well...good. Got to support the economy, right?"

He eventually stalked off, looking pissed. Man, musicians and their big heads. I made another mental note to make a comment in my review about his shoes or something. However, before I could compose a pithy bon mot, I was interrupted by the bartender, who returned with my whiskey. I downed it in one gulp, just like they do in the tough-guy movies. Blech. It tasted like paint thinner.

"That's bad for you," the bartender remonstrated. "You're going to have the megrims."

I ignored him.

"Sure you don't want that Lemon Wedge?" the bartender offered.

"Go away," I muttered.

Three or four more whiskeys later, the house lights came on and the crowd started cheering. The show was apparently starting. And I was ready to review the show. After all, I am a Music Reviewer, right? It's what I came here to do, yes? So here's the body of my article, compiled straight from my painstaking notes during the performance:

Bullets in Madison rocked the joint. They really did. We Became Your Family When You Died is one hell of an album, I tell you. Full of...meaning and...vibrancy...junk like that. Man, my head is killing me...That trumpet thing they do? Woo. Powerful stuff...Don't know about all the bugs on the wall, though...This band, they've got rhythm...they've got music...who could ask for anything more? Ha. What is with the moving walls, though? Now they're moving and they've got bugs on them. Crap. Why didn't that jackass bartender just give me a Lemon Wedge? I hear those are good. Well...oh, man, I love this song! "Wiiiild thing...You make my heart..." ...wait...that's the jukebox...show must be over. What did I miss? Damnit. Oh well. I'll get some stuff about them from Wikipedia or something. Maybe I can go get some after-show interviews right now...Ugh. Floor won't stay steady.

Unfortunately, before I could corral any of them for additional comments, the band had sped off in a hired limo, champagne and caviar practically flying out the windows, Losch tossing a few oyster crackers in my direction and laughing as I scrabbled on the pavement for something to eat.

After a moment, they were gone, the last remnants of their esoteric performance ringing in my ears.

I was alone in Chicago. No review written. No car. No money. And a seventy dollar bar tab with a smug bartender waiting for me inside.

The perfect setting for a closing paragraph:

In a top single from their new album, "Sarah is a State of Mind," vocalist John Morton sings, "You slam the door shut to break it through / No one hears you." That may apply to Sarah, whoever she is. But BiM has slammed the door shut, doublebolted it, and set fire to it, which makes their breaking through it all the more impressive. Not to mention the fact that it is impossible not to hear them.

WBYFWYD is an album that pulses with a heartbeat never heard before in the Chicago indy rock scene, and a melody that grabs you by the lapels and throws you off your seat. The more BiM tours and gets this music out there, the better.

There. That should do it.

Now...where's a hotel?

This new phone is a total time suck. I waste more time on stupid crap than I ever did and I'm reading less than ever in my life. However, the voice blogging is pretty cool.

MY GOLDEN APPLE MOMENTS OF 2009

These accounts are not invented. They are written here verbatim. Especially #3301.
These are my students.
I am their teacher.
We are all so screwed.

Teaching Moment #1826

ME: Okay, open your books to page 23.
KID: What page?
ME: Twenty-three.
OTHER KID: Okay. Wait, what page?
ME: I quit.

Teaching Moment #1827

ME: Some of you forgot to put title pages on your papers.
KID: You didn’t tell us to.
ME: It says so right there on the assignment.
KID: But you didn’t read the directions to us.
ME: So I need to type up the directions and read them to you?
KID: We’d definitely do better.
ME: I quit.

Teaching Moment #1894

ME: You understand that the transition in this paragraph doesn’t apply to--
KID: Doorknob!
ME: What?
KID: What? I didn’t say anything.
ME: I think you just said…doorknob.
KID: (sarcastically) Sorry!
ME: That’s it. I quit.

Teaching Moment #2002

KID: Is it true Shakespeare was a fag?
ME: I quit.

Teaching Moment #2003

ME: All right, let’s open our books to—
KID: Is it true you’re a fag?

Teaching Moment #2157

ME: Now, for film criticism. We have to be analytic. So what did you guys think of the film Zombieland that just came out?
KID: It sucked!
ME: (writes “It sucked” on board) What else?
KID: You fucking suck!
ME: I couldn’t have been as bad as Zombieland. Let’s not say things we can’t take back.
KID: Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry.

Teaching Moment #2897

KID: I’m sorry, but I just don’t like cops.
ME: Why not?
KID: They hassle you. Even when you’re not doing anything wrong.
ME: So you’re basing your opinion of an entire group on the actions of a few? Sounds to me like what racists say about blacks.
KID: Yeah…Yeah, you know what? I think I changed my mind. I don’t hate cops.
ME: Good for you.
KID: What?
ME: Kid, it’s a beautiful thing to be able to change your mind. As the poet Taylor Mali once said, “changing your mind is one of the best ways of finding out whether or not you still have one.”
KID: Mali? He’s a fag.
ME: That’s it. This time, I really quit.

Teaching Moment #3010

ME: Movies don't deliver as much info as texts. In fact...
STUDENT: Yeah they do. I was watching Dodgeball, and--
ME: No. No no no. You did not just deputize a Ben Stiller movie into your argument.
STUDENT: It rocked. And it had a deus ex machina in it.
ME: So what is a deus ex machina?
STUDENT: The deus ex machina, man! It was…it…
ME: Yes?
STUDENT: Forget it. I quit.

Teaching Moment #3194

KID IN HALL: (to friend) Hey there, bitch.
ME: Ahem.
KID: Oh…sorry…I meant, ‘Hey there, ho.’
ME: I quit.

Teaching Moment #3209

Kid: What are we doing today?
Me: It’s on the syllabus. And the board.
Kid: Man, you always say that!
Me: And it’s always true, right?
Kid: But still!
Me: Yes? You have some further point to make?
Kid: That’s it. I quit.
Me: No no…I’ll race you to the door.

Teaching Moment #3301

ME: So in the Ninth Circle, Satan is gnawing on the heads of the three worst sinners in existence, right?
HONORS CLASS: Yeah, yeah…(writes this down in notes)
ME: And what might Dante be implying with this particular choice of sinners?
HONORS KID: He’s telling us…it’s wrong…to eat people?
HONORS CLASS: Yeah, yeah…(writes this down in notes)

Teaching Moment #3307

KID: What’s this word supposed to mean?
ME: “Anecdotal,” right? It means hearsay.
KID: What’s hearsay?
ME: You heard it through someone else’s account.
KID: What’s an account?
ME: It’s a telling of…wait a minute, why are you not looking this up yourself?
KID: Look it up where?
ME: …
KID: You just quit again, right?
ME: Shut up.

Ode to Jackson, MI

Overture

The night is wrapped like a woolen blanket
About a pair of irritated feet.
Three a.m.
The women in doorways beckon to their men,
One hand behind the back
While shoving them through the door.
I have seen them all before
In some dimly lit, half-forgotten place.
I have heard the story
Of forgotten glory
And a newly remembered face,
But this is a book I couldn't complete
Before its return-by date
And a movie I couldn't finish
Because it was a school night
And I couldn't stay up that late.

Doug, from MTV's "The State." True teenaged angst.

The State - MTV Shows