Saturday, January 29, 2011

Ways to Pass the Time at a Job Fair

I'm a professional. It's a tough job market out there. You want to give job candidates a fair chance. But if I weren't a professional, this is probably what I'd be up to...
Greet candidates with a pleasant "Good morning!" and then say nothing. How much can you get out of them with nods, throat-clearings and the occasional raised eyebrow?

Start out by telling them, "The jury found Mr. Aaronson guilty, so, we've got an opening after all." Time them for a response.

Begin by staring fixedly at the left hand. Respond to inquiries with, "I'll tell you what I'm not doing--looking for a wedding ring."

Ask interviewee to define professional philosophy without using any verbs. Turn to colleague next to you and yell, "This one's actually trying it!"

Squirm uncontrollably in your seat; cross and uncross legs constantly; exhale violently. Respond to concerned inquiries with, "No no, I'm fine, I'll just sweat it out."

Ask about affiliations with the Communist Party. When they say they're not a communist, shrug disappointingly, hand them a tract and send them to the District 211 table.

Tune out to their answers to your question and think about something sex-related. Then tune back in. Can you salvage any of the interview? Avoid exposure? Rate yourself.

Mention to colleague next to you, "I'm getting so sick of these fucking losers, I think I'm going to puke." Then turn to next candidate, smile hypocritically, and say, "Well it's nice to meet you."

Concentrate hard. Really hard. Stare at them and squint ferociously. Can you set them on fire? With your mind? Because that would be so cool to have that power...