Wednesday, May 14, 2003

On a survey we're giving to graduating students of LP, one question was: "If they made a movie about our school, who would you get to play your favorite teacher?"

Setting aside such trivialities as "Barney the Dinosaur," "a pile of shit" and "there are no good teechers here they suck," here's what's lined up in the casting agency for yours truly:

Topher Grace. Skinny, shaggy-haired, yet still appealing to the ladies. Okay, I can live with that.

Woody, from Toy Story. Hmm. This one requires some thought. Yeah, I'm a rough-riding cowboy, but there's still something a little too flighty about the guy. Maybe if I kept the hat on, it would work...don't forget, though, I get to land Bo Peep in the end.

Jim Carey. Apparently I have a knack for doing impressions of people the kids don't know (like when I ripped off Matt's father's "skin in the game" schtick and said it was my uncle). Okay, that works. As long as I don't have to light any farts.

Vin Diesel. Works for me. Note the rippling muscles, the firm jaw, the utter lack of comprehension of a quality movie script...oh wait, would this have anything to do with the fact that the student who recommended me is trying to suck his way up to a B in my class? Nah.

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ditto Vin Diesel.

There were others, but I can't remember them. Those are the top runners. No wonder I have such a healthy self-esteem.

Interesting conversation with a colleage today. We were arguing over bathroom duties next year. See, because I go between two different campuses, I've been exempt from such circumstances as having to stand outside a bathroom door watching for smokers, drinkers, screwers and anyone else who might violate the school code in some weird and uncompromising position. (The kids are even worse.)
Colleague: Look Gregg, I just wanted you to know, I think it's about time you did a bathroom duty. I mean, I know it's not in your contract and you don't get paid for it or anything, but we've got a hole in the schedule we need to fill.
Me: Well you can't get me to do it. Because it's not in my contract, I'm not obligated to do a thing. Especially if it's to free up time for you so you can go to that mediator conference. Sorry, pal, but you're out of luck.
Okay, that's what I should have said. What came out went something like:
Colleague: It's time you did bathroom duty. We've got a hole in the schedule to fill.
Me: (mumbling) Sure. Whatever works for the better of the school.
Then again, if I'd had any guts:
Colleague: You need to do bathroom duty. It's going in your contract.
Me: Fuck off. (walk away)
But instead, I think I'll go to the truth:
Colleague: You've escaped the terrors of bathroom duty for long enough. Now you pay the price. I told you you couldn't steal my quizzes without some kind of payback.
Me: Oooh, bathroom duty. I am like so scared.
This whole exchange will seem a lot more entertaining if you remember that 1) it actually happened (mitigating circumstances and verbosity changed to protect anonymity) and 2) all scenarios ran through my head so fast, I didn't know which one I'd actually said.
Colleague: Why do you spend so much time with your head cocked to the side like you're thinking something you're too chickenshit to say out loud?
Me: Ooh, I am like so scared.
Colleague: Huh? Of what?
Me: Aren't we talking about bathroom duty.
Colleague: No, now we're talking about what a chickenshit you are.
Me: Oh. Well. Uh, could you ask me again if I'll take bathroom duty?