My Tech Assistance Phone Call

Setting: My living room, where my Airport Utility modem has quit working. After drinking two beers, I look up the number for the tech support line and dial it. Then, realizing I have to pee, I hang up, visit the bathroom, and redial. Then I remember I have to wash my hands, but decide not to and continue with phone call.

ME: (humming tune to "Facts of Life") Got to get this thing fixed. That porn's not going to download itself.

AUTOMATED VOICE: Welcome to the Airport Utility tech support hotline. Your call may be monitored for quality assurance. Please state the first name of the owner of the Airport Utility device you are calling about.
ME: Gregg.
AV: Did you say Egg?
ME: No, Gregg.
AV: Did you say leg?
ME: Why would I say leg? Christ.
AV: Did you say Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior?
ME: (pause) No.
AV: It looks like you're having trouble speaking English. Would you like to switch to Spanish?
ME: No!
AV: Please use the Spanish for "no" if you do not wish to use Spanish.
ME: Non!
AV: That's French. Si a usted le gustaría ser frotado en bruto, por favor, pulse tres.
ME: Stop! Arretez!
AV: All right. It looks like you're a complete imbecile. Would you like to switch from voice commands to the numerical keypad on your phone?
ME: (sobbing) Yes!

AV: Please press one if you wish to use the numeric keypad.
ME: (presses 1)
AV: You have just pressed one. If you meant to press two, please do so now.
ME: What?
AV: Did you just say "shut"?
ME: No!
AV: You have selected the numeric keypad options. Please do not speak any more.

ME: ...wait...
AV: To get a technician to your house to fix your Airport, please press one. To get a technician to your house to listen to your problems with your job, please press two. To get two mechanics over to your house to make out with each other, press three. To get a technician to your house to beat you to a pulp, please press four.
ME: (after some consideration, presses one)
AV: You have selected four.
ME: What? I did not! I pressed thr--I mean, one!
AV: Chuck will be by in five minutes. If you want him to limit himself to physical violence, please press one. If--
ME: (frantically pressing zero for operator) The box makes your product look so sleek and user-friendly! Where did this horrible nightmare come from?

AV: (pause) You have pressed O for "Okay, everything's good." We're glad we could help.
ME: You cold blooded bastards!

AV: To end this call, please hang up.
ME: (does nothing)
AV: I said hang up!
ME: (scared, meekly) All right...
AV: Punk.
ME: (hangs up, trudges to call therapist, drink more beer)

"Hey guys! This one's actually dialing three!"