Intercepted letter to Bullets in Madison from band manager Joel Pendelton

Following correspondence to Chicago band Bullets in Madison from their manager intercepted via FOIA filed this morning.

Guys:

Okay, I know you "fired" me after I booked you to that kid's bat mitzvah in Boise, and I know you think I spend too much time at my car dealership and not enough time cold calling concert venues. But I've got some advice that can't possibly miss this time. I just saw the Clinch Mountain Boys and Cherryholmes concert at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra last night, and I've got to tell you, they packed quite a crowd. I took some notes of what they did, and I think that, if you take a few pages from the Gospel of Bluegrass, your indy rock thing might just hit Zinc on the Billboard.

Songs
I listen to your music and I love it. I also want to kill myself. But I listen to bluegrass, and I want to go to church. And marry my cousin. Now don't church and weddings naturally lend themselves to more people? Which would mean more fans? Just seems like a no-brainer to me, is all.




Musicians
Okay, how can I put this? You're an all-male band, and you know I'm totally liberal and open-minded about that sort of thing. But there were quite a few females on stage at this concert, and I think that it would help gain an audience if the audience got the idea you liked girls too. You know, sexually. You guys do know women, right? Mothers, girlfriends, wives, illegitimate daughters, whatever. Just shove a banjo in their hands, they'll blend right in.

Attire
Somber colors, t-shirts, wool caps. Great. I like it. But the fedoras, sequin gowns, button-down shitkicker suits and ten-gallon-hats these guys were wearing could work too. No, don't say anything. Just picture it. You want to set an upbeat ambience, right? Actually, I guess Losch's flannel shirt would still work. Which brings me to...

Atmosphere
The bands last night called out for people to clap their hands in sync with the music. And cheer. And whistle and stomp and square dance. How about square dancing? The opening riffs of "Joel Found His Angel Cowering" would be perfect for a hootenanny! And Losch wouldn't even have to change his shirt!



Trust me on these, guys. Meet me at the thrift shop for some wardrobe shopping and we'll ring in a summer tour that the Oakridge Boys couldn't possibly compete with. Oh, but we'll have to do it around eight. The lot opens at ten.

Yours most sincerely,

Joel Pendelton
Professional Indie Rock Band Manager
c/o Pendleton Used Cars
Berwyn, IL