The Boss is In: Failure Fantasies

It's that time of year, with finals around the corner and adolescents' knees a-quakin'. And this is as close to the executive board room as I'll ever get.

Me: Johnson! Get up here!
Kid: Yes, teacher?
Me: You know why you don't fail this class?
Kid: Um...
Me: Me neither. You fail.

Me: Simmons! I got a riddle for you.
Kid: Yes, sir? I just love your class...
Me: Two people are in this room right now, and one of them didn't fail.
Kid: Well...that's not really a riddle...
Me: That's right! You fail.

Kid: Why do we have to read this dumb book?
Me: Because to not read it is to fail.
Kid: Okay, I'll read it.
Me: Too late. You fail.

Me: Simmons! I got another riddle for you!
Kid: You already failed me, sir. Remember?
Me: Okay, you don't fail. Now listen to this one: What's the difference between you and a kid who failed my class?
Kid: I give up.
Me: Nothing! You fail.

Me: Richardson! I want to talk to you.
Kid: You're an ass.
Me: (pause) Damn you. You win this round, Richardson.

Me: Get up here, kid. I want to fail you some more.
Aide: There's no one left. You failed them all.
Me: I did?
Aide: They're all in a study hall now.
Me: Okay, then you fail.
Aide: You're an ass.
Me: Woo. I want to go home. Somebody fire me.