Advanced Babysitting: A One-Act Play

Setting: My classroom. No windows. No light. No hope.

Characters:

Mr. Teacher: Carefree and blithe to enter danger; reserved and recalcitrant in the face of AYP

Cheryl Muffinhead: For the past five class periods, she’s been hunting in her bag for her cellphone, which she has forgotten that I confiscated some ten minutes before.

Stan Dupp: Aspiring Hollywood actor. Practicing his delivery skills from the second row.

Act 1, Scene 1.

House lights come on. an empty room, which gradually fills up with students. Mr. Teacher walks in last, carrying a billyclub and wearing mirrored sunglasses.

TEACHER: Good morning, my troubled little losers. You all failed yesterday’s exam.

CM: (interrupts her searching in her purse) I thought you said that test didn’t count! I thought you said you just wanted to see how we’d do! How we were progressing!

TEACHER: Yeah, well, tough. (twirling billyclub)

SD: Hey, look at the tough guy. “Eeeuw, look at me, I’m all tough.” “Eeeuw, look at me, I’ve got a billyclub--“

TEACHER: (brandishes billyclub threateningly)

SD: You can’t touch me, tough guy. I’ll have you busted.

TEACHER: (smacks self repeatedly with billyclub. Blood starts to flow. Chipped teeth fly in several directions.) Ow! Ow! Help he’s killing me!

Big men with walkie talkies burst into the room and haul Stan away. One big man with a walkie talkie sees Cheryl, decides her behavior is sufficiently suspicious, and takes her away too. Mr. Teacher picks up the phone.

TEACHER: Ok, I’m done here. Have the bus pick me up in ten minutes. We’re headed for the nudie bar.

House lights dim; half the audience files out in disgust.

The End