On a survey we're giving to graduating students of LP, one question was: "If they made a movie about our school, who would you get to play your favorite teacher?"

Setting aside such trivialities as "Barney the Dinosaur," "a pile of shit" and "there are no good teechers here they suck," here's what's lined up in the casting agency for yours truly:



Topher Grace. Skinny, shaggy-haired, yet still appealing to the ladies. Okay, I can live with that.



Woody, from Toy Story. Hmm. This one requires some thought. Yeah, I'm a rough-riding cowboy, but there's still something a little too flighty about the guy. Maybe if I kept the hat on, it would work...don't forget, though, I get to land Bo Peep in the end.



Jim Carey. Apparently I have a knack for doing impressions of people the kids don't know (like when I ripped off Matt's father's "skin in the game" schtick and said it was my uncle). Okay, that works. As long as I don't have to light any farts.



Vin Diesel. Works for me. Note the rippling muscles, the firm jaw, the utter lack of comprehension of a quality movie script...oh wait, would this have anything to do with the fact that the student who recommended me is trying to suck his way up to a B in my class? Nah.



Arnold Schwarzenegger. Ditto Vin Diesel.

There were others, but I can't remember them. Those are the top runners. No wonder I have such a healthy self-esteem.