Phone Companies Are Either the Root of All Evil or Ignorance, but I Don't Know Which

Finally got an ISP provider, but I can't even tell if it's local. Here's a true story, and if it doesn't make the books for Dumbest Phone Company Conversation Ever, I don't know what will:

Me: Hi, I was calling to see whether or not I could check to see whether phone numbers are local from my home phone again.
Representative: Wait, I don't understand. You want to see whether you can see something or not?
Me: Yes, that's right. I'm getting the Internet in my apartment and I want to make sure I don't get billed long distance for my calls.
Rep: Okay, where do you live? (I give all necessary information) Hmm. Funny, but I don't show your town as existing.
Me: Well, it exists all right. I'm sitting right here.
Rep: You're sure you're not annexed to a nearby town or something? That happened to my Aunt Sally. She lived in Waco, but all along she thought it was actually the town of Elkhorn.
Me: No, I receive mail here, and I've lived here before. It's an actual town.
Rep: Well that's not what happened to my aunt.
Me: That's damned interesting. Now about checking those numbers...
Rep: Will you hold please?
Me: Do I have a choice?
(I'm on hold for two minutes. Listening to Boone's "You Light Up My Life." Dry heaving starts momentarily.)
Rep: Sir, I'm sorry to make you hold. Now I'll need the actual phone number you're thinking of using.
Me: No prob. (give it to him) So what's the deal?
Rep: Ah. Well, I'm afraid that's not going to tell me. See, our computers are down, and because you haven't gotten a bill yet, I can't tell what service plan you're using.
Me: Oh.
Rep: However, usually if you don't have to dial a 1 before the number, it's not long distance.
Me: I understand that. I seriously doubt this number I gave you is long distance--it's only four miles away or so.
Rep: You knew that? Then why were you calling?
Me: Because I want to make sure there are no charges for local calls. Nobody ever told me and you're the third person I'm calling.
Rep: I see. Will you hold for a second, please?
Me: Oh man, I was hoping you'd say that.
(On hold for three minutes. "Strangers In the Night." Dry heaving resumes.)
Rep: Okay, sir, I'm sorry to ask you to hold.
Me: That's okay, I'm getting used to it. (I actually said all this, mind you.)
Rep: Well, anyway, to answer your question, I would need to know what Call Range you're in, whether it's A, B, C or D.
Me: I have that. I'm in Range A.
Rep: (crestfallen) You have that?
Me: Yes, the last service representative gave it to me. Does that help out at all?
Rep: Actually, no. You see, it could still be long distance, and even if it's not, you could still get charged.
Me: How much?
Rep: Let me check on that for you. Hold, please.
Me: No, wait, don't put me on--
(On hold for six minutes. "Wind Beneath My Wings." Need I say more?)
Rep: Sir? Are you there?
Me: No, I went out to take a pee.
Rep: It's always a pleasure dealing with disgruntled customers. I can't seem to get any details about the ranges because our computers are down.
Me: Yeah, you mentioned that before. So what are you doing while I'm on hold, then?
Rep: I was checking with my supervisor.
Me: You weren't just leaving me dangling so it would seem like you were working on it, were you?
Rep: (pause) No.
Me: So there's no one there who can tell me whether or not this call I'm about to make is local, long distance or what have you?
Rep: (pause) No.
Me: I see.
Rep: But you could try back in a few days. Maybe then our computers will be up.
Me: You better not be teasing me. I won't get any sleep tonight now.

I only wish I could be creative enough to make up such an exchange.