True Story

It was last night, about ten p.m. I was coming home after another round of rhetoric and some e-mail exchanges that were leaving me feeling a bit less than human. (The reasons for this will soon be under What Happened?, coming soon). Consequently, the passing cop car didn't really elicit much attention on my part.

It was one of those nights where your thoughts are crystal-clear (for whatever reason), as if you were a comic book character with those thought baloons and everything. I crossed over to the intersection of Augusta and College and suddenly found myself awash in a beam of light. (No, I wasn't abducted by aliens and given an anal probe.) I heard a voice, sounding like it belonged to a sixteen-year-old, yell at me to freeze and put my hands up in the air.

I felt like a character in a movie as I tossed my bag to the side and raised my arms. My face felt like it does when I'm reading a particularly difficult book, and the wind from the west was blowing right in my face, making me blink a lot. "Hands out! Palms up!" the cop yelled, and I complied. In the back of my mind, I was mentally thanking whatever forces were transpiring to keep me from being grumpy, tired and out of sorts (not to mention providing me with an excuse to not grade papers).

"On the ground! Slow! Arms out! Palms up!" I complied readily, and found myself suddenly cuffed and gripped by the arms by two or three of NIU's finest. They were looking at me warily--I don't know what honest citizens tend to do when wrongfully accosted by the police, but I'm almost certain they don't just sit there, mildly curious as to what's going on.

"Go through his bag," the nearest cop said gruffly, giving me the old hairy eyeball. A female cop complied, digging through my stuff and managing to find several old student papers I thought I'd lost. I started to thank her, but stopped myself. The rest of the cops were standing around warily, not really sure what to make of me.

See, this wasn't the first time I've been "investigated." I don't know if it's the cheap clothes, the hair or what, but I've been a prime target of suspicion for the police in Chicago ever since I started going out there regularly on weekends to visit Kim. One time at Midway, for example, I was shaken down for drugs. Another time, they wanted to know what I was doing in the middle of Kim's old neighborhood at ten o'clock at night.

Some people might see this as harassment. I see it as reassuring.

Anyway, there I was, standing there absently with my hands cuffed behind my back while police were coming and going. The cop who'd sort of taken charge of me seemed to be glaring at me with a decided antipathy. "Where you coming from?" he asked gruffly.

"Reavis."

"What?"

"Reavis. Reavis Hall."

"You a student?"

I nodded, not feeling like going into it. I could tell he didn't like this, or the fact that I wasn't protesting my innocence. "The reason we just stopped you is someone just committed an armed robbery. The suspect matches your description."

I nodded. "I figured it was something like that."

"It turns out it wasn't you, this is just a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. It turns out it was you, you're going to be with us for quite a bit of time."

"That's fair," I said amiably.

We stood around some more while NIU Police coordinated efforts with the DeKalb police, and, from my days as a police reporter, I recognized enough of the codes being parlayed back and forth on the radio to be able to tell that the suspect was seen by someone else (probably the Huskie Patrol) making his way down Lucinda Avenue.

"What are you studying?" the cop asked me suddenly, as if unwilling to let me listen in.

"English."

"Graduate?"

I nodded. "Starting to look my age, am I?"

He didn't know what to make of this comment. "My daughter is in the English department."

I suddenly felt like laughing hysterically. Do you ask these questions of all your armed robbery suspects? I wanted to inquire, but stopped myself. The guy was only doing his job, and after a cursory search of my bag and pockets (I don't even have a pocketknife any more), he probably figured the armed robbery type usually doesn't have two tons of schoolwork with them at the moment of apprehension. Still, I found myself perversely hoping they would have to detain me, put me in a holding cell at NIU where I could take the Fifth, call a lawyer, and find myself Wrongfully Accused.

Instead, they trundled the victim over in a police car where I was looked over. "Ten-twenty, you can let him go," the radio squawked. "Our man has shorter, blonde, curly hair and a black leather jacket."

The cops took off, leaving me with Mr. Smiley Police Officer, who promptly uncuffed me. "Sorry about this--I know it's a hassle."

I waved it aside once my arms were free. "Nah, I didn't have anything better to do tonight."

"If you feel you've been mistreated in any way--" he began, digging out a business card.

"Not at all. This is the most gentle handcuffing I've ever been through in my life."

"Oh yeah?" He fixed me with a curious glance. "You handcuffed often?"

I considered my possible responses: 1) "Well, officer, semantically speaking, I'm not lying if I say that when I've never been handcuffed in my life." 2) "Only by women." 3) "Once, in 1991, when I was coming out of a store that had just been held up." 4) "Nah."

I settled on a choice. "Nah."

He gave me his card and told me to call with any complaints or concerns. I wished him luck in apprehending the fugitive and went on my merry way, regretful only of the fact that I'd held them up from catching the real bad guy, and that I now had to go back to my papers, my homework, and overall grumpiness.