I more or less took the day off yesterday (after school, that is) to do laundry, draft the seniors' final exam and pack a few more things...wait, that's not taking shit off. No, I had to go to the burbs to run some errands, after which I hooked up with Tso and some others in St. Charles. Larry is now engaged, hot dog. The level of engagements has skyrocketed among my friends and family within the past year, and every time it does, I get a lot of speculative looks. Without getting into that, I figured there had to be some kind of pattern to engagements and how they occur (throughout the world, that is):

The Nine Types of Engagements

The "What are we waiting for?" engagement This type usually occurs between co-dependents, and I'd estimate its pervasiveness throughout the world at about twenty to thirty percent. These are people who "know" they're in love when they haven't strangled each other after dating a scant few months or whatever. Signs of this engagement include a lot of pre-engagement head-scratching: "Well, I can't remember her middle name, or where she's from, or her likes and dislikes, but we seem to get along, so whaddya think? Think I should pop the question? Huh? Hey, where you going?" Duration varies, but I wouldn't make book on them.

The "What the hell are you waiting for?" engagement When one party falls into the above and the other does not. I will refrain from comment here, Steve, so don't worry. I'm not going to embarass you any more.

The "I Need to share a bed engagement" Losers. Afraid of being alone. I wouldn't even characterize these people as co-dependents; more like non-independents. Duration depends on whether or not they can live with themselves afterwards. I guess it's too late to refrain from comment here, eh, Steve?

The "Las Vegas" engagement Done accompanied by dozens of tequila fannybangers and a run of good luck at the craps table. Most popular among men, for some strange reason (we're dumb). Most effective with either desperate Vegas townies or bored, indifferent showgirls. Duration: Four to six hours.

The "My Biological clock is ticking" engagement Let's face it, a lot of people want to have children these days. Perhaps more than should. And it's not just guys who have a biological clock either. Try running around after a bunch of teenagers in your house when you're in your sixties and then talk to me about the advantages of a 40's wedding. All of that's well and good, but as a singular reason for getting hitched, I'm not sure.

The "Shotgun wedding" No, I don't personally know anyone who got engaged like this, but I'd sure like to! I know they do go on. From the fiance's parents, it's "You're going to be a gentleman, damn you. I know you've been sleeping with my daughter, and if you run out on her now, I'll make you rue the day you were born." From the groom's parents, it's "Get this bum the &%$*# out of my house!" Pregnancies often contribute to this method's success. Duration depends on how long the parents are scary.

The "Oh, the world is a giant green M&M..." engagement These couples are pleasant to be around, for the first five minutes. Then you realize they're actually in love, stable without each other and better off for having found one another. Screw them. Duration of marriage is a loooooong time, provided the guy takes care of himself and doesn't die early.

The "Oh, the world is a giant red M&M..." engagement Same thing as the green M&M, except one of the people in the relationship had to give up a job offer or perhaps a way of life to be with the other. Which is fine, because hey, they're in love, right? But I could have gone to Washington and become a rock star. But I love him, right? But I would have made a lot of money. But...

The "Oh, the world is a giant wormy apple, rotten to the core..." engagement The world sucks. My job sucks. My car won't start, I live in a noisy neighborhood, and I'm probably going to die by the year 2017 anyway. I'm taking him/her down with me. Duration: forever. I'd better refrain from comment here, or I'll bitch whatever chances I may have at a wedding some day myself.