One of the joys of this particular New Year is that I get to start collecting Dear Johns from my job search. Here are the top contenders thus far:

"Dear Mr. Long: Thank you for your interest in our school. Although we are in the market for an English teacher with two years experience with a Masters degree, we currently have no openings that meet your qualifications...even though you meet those qualifications. Sucks, doesn't it?. Thank you for your interest in the Onaka-Emittance (translated stomach leavings) School of Japan."

"This message is for Greg Longg: Thank you for your interest in our school. We have no job for you at the moment, but if you become one with the Buddha, we are sure you will find yourself on the path to spiritual growth before you have to retire. Best of luck to you in your job search, you Godless American heathen."

"Mr. Long: Thank you for your interest in our Christian school. We are in the market for bright, budding young souls ready to embark on the spiritual journey to find Christ, and to bring with him as many suckers...I mean, students, as he can. We've prepared a spiritual q&a for you which, once filled out, will enable us to assess your value to our school. Question #1: What does it mean to be "one with God" in the classroom versus the library, chapel, or passing the smoky confines of a bar which you're too wise and holy to enter? Question #2: You have a student who says "god damn." How many times do you hit them with a switch? Question #3: Name ten ways in which Western culture saps the moral strength out of today's youth, and tell us what you intend to do about it, you snotty little wannabe expat. Question #4..."

There's been a definite progression. At first, most e-mail replies told me to go to hell. Once I convinced the more lucrative schools that I was indeed graduating with teaching experience, I was told, "Thank you for your submission. Now go to hell." And nowadays, I'm getting: "God be with you, son. And God be with you on your trip to hell."

Thus far, the Czech Republic school has been the only one to fall down on its knees and beg me to bring my English-speaking ass over to unload a can of linguistic whup-ass upon a roomfull of aspiring ESL students. They've started e-mailing me JPEGs of the U.S. dollars they're prepared to pay me (three of them in the last six weeks--how ya like me now?), but I still need a little more incentive.