Lines of Poetry Written Upon Contemplation of a Really Screwed-Up Bathroom in Tinleytown, D.C.

"And whoever tells me there's a need for more government transparency
Will have to do their business here, or else shut up."

Rejected Fortune Cookie Submissions

--"It's been ten minutes. You'd better call home and check on the kids before something happens."

--"We can recommend a good proctologist."

--"If you had the chicken, see the hostess before you leave."

--"Time to pull the plug on that machine that's keeping Gram Gram alive."

--"If it oozes and hurts, you've got at least a few months."

--"They're talking about you."

Proof I am a red-blooded American and
not a secret Russian spy

With all the hype about the Russian agents circulating amongst the US in recent weeks, we're all getting a little nervous about who's really whom he says he is. And if history is any guide, that proves it's time to start pointing fingers and making wild accusations about each other. So before the mass hysteria sets in, I'd like to preemptively clear myself and demonstrate my love of this country and full citizenship.

Of course, as we know from accounts of our president, birth certificates are insufficient. You have to look deeper. So here's proof positive of my patriotism and American background, a template we would all do well to apply.

I know all the names of the players in the Chicago Bulls and how many home runs they scored last season.

When watching Rocky and Bullwinkle, I always cheer for the moose and squirrel.

I have no idea how to say dosvedanya. And I think Leo Tolstoy deserved getting shot in Mexico like he did.

I really suck at math and science.

I live on Main Street, and we have backyard barbecues every weekend.